I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
