nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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