Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
