the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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