Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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