My liver just broke up with me...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My vagina is officially offended.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
