There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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