i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
