sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
