hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
