i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
