I want to stick my p in your. b.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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