I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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