but the lizard people decide everything anyway
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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