you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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