its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
