He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
