Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
