I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
