I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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