saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You are a genius and a whore.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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