I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
