I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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