Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
