I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
