I think my vagina is haunted
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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