New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm having to shit out rocks
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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