I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
