Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
