fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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