I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
