Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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