Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
