You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
