Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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