All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
