It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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