i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
