Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
