As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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