it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
