Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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