just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
