Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
