Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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