separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
