Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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