i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
