Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
