Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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