My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
