We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
