; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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