saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
