Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
