Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
