i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
