you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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